Performance

It’s my turn to play. My heart beats fast as I get up from the chair, remember at the last second to take off my sweater and walk the short distance up the steps of the stage to the piano. I take a bow and sit at the grand piano.

My hands are shaking a little, thought I know that I can play this piece very well. All of a sudden, I think of all the things that could go wrong. I messed up on that section today when I was practicing. Sometimes I don’t hit those chords right. I imagine pushing the thoughts out of the way and shutting a heavy door in front of them. I take a deep breath and start to play.

The song starts slowly, and I feel like I’m playing especially slow as the metronome of my heart speeds up even more. I force myself to stay at tempo, imagining my mechanical metronome at home ticking out the beat.

As the song progresses, my apprehensive thoughts stop pounding on the door I slammed in front of them, and begin to disappear. I imagine them walking away, shoulders hunched with disappointment. I stop thinking about each individual key, and start to enjoy the music, letting my fingers play freely. I start to think about the CD recording of this song I listened to in the car, and imagine myself playing just like it. My thoughts begin to wander to other things, like the cake that we’ll get to eat after the recital, and the lit essay I have to work on when I get back home. When I start drifting too far away, I quickly give myself a mini mental slap and remind myself to focus.

The fast part of the song comes up, and I play a little faster than usual. Part of my brain is surprised that I’m playing this fast, and this makes the unhappy thoughts stop in their tracks and look back hopefully at the shut door. My fingers continue to play the song while part of me tries to say, “Slow down!” part of me says, “Go ahead!” and part of me is reinforcing the lock on the heavy door, for those thoughts are heading back to try to break in. Fortunately, I manage to keep everything going smoothly.

As the song nears its end, I become a little excited. Almost done, and no mistakes! I quickly admonish myself again, for I have to actually finish before I can celebrate. The thought that I am not entirely sure of the last note of the song slips through the crack under the heavy, closed door, but I shove it outside again and keep playing.

I hit the last chord and let it ring out. The thoughts have stopped trying to break down the door, and the part of me that was on the other side is pointing and laughing at the bad thoughts as they shrivel up and disappear for good. My heart’s still beating fast, but it’s no longer out of nervousness. I get up from the piano, take a final bow, and walk back to my seat.